Hudson, is 9 months old now. 9 months. Where has the time gone? When did he grow up? I mean, I remember each day, each milestone, each smile. I remember watching him grow, and thinking, “wow, look at him mature…where is that newborn face?” But really… he’s growing so fast! Every morning he wakes me with a smile… and SO MUCH PERSONALITY! As if to say, “good morning Mom! Let’s start this new and wonderful day! There is so much for me to learn and discover!!” He is so full of life and wonder and has a streak of awnry that I am certain is from his Dad. He is determined to walk before he crawls. ( The over determination he gets from me.) He squaks and laughs and has an incredible love of life. He is all the best parts of Ryan and I. And yet he is so much more. He is so full of life, he brings my life wonder and joy. and we have a lifetime of learning and living to go…. His first birthday is 3 months away, and I already have it nearly planned out. I am so excited for the opportunity to celebrate his existence. He is the highlight of my days, and my very best accomplishment.  My sweet boy fills my heart with the slight upturn of his mouth.  his smile fills the room…and my smile mimics it.  I laugh as he splashes in the bath, my water baby, I wonder of his joys and interests in the future, swimming, baseball, art?  The way he pulls and  chews my hair… maybe hairdresser….lol….whatever fills his heart with joy….My little miracle boy has been a sweet baby who loves to Praise God since he was in the womb.  Jumping with dances of praise ineutero, and dancing and singing for the Lord now.  Our sweet boy jumps and claps for joy during our devotion times, his heart full of the joy of the Lord.  God has His hand on Hudson’s life.  This, I know.  This, I KNOW. I pour love into his life, all day long, every day.  He knows he is loved.  This is my calling, this is my job as his Supermom. To make sure he knows… He is Blessed….  He is important…He is LOVED.  This, I know I have succeeded in, And This, I know I will continue to succeed in.  I may fail at other things, the dishes may go undone, the car may need to be vacuumed, but My son will always know he is Blessed, Important, and Loved.  I will Succeed at being a Supermom.

Advertisements

We always want the very best for our children.  For them to be in the best health, to show them the greatest affection, to provide for them the best home. The best home… What does that mean? Biggest? Most room to run and play? Most impressive? I have been spending the recent weeks house hunting for my little family, and as I have done so, I have found that my necessities, my must haves, really have come down to this: is it safe? Is it in a safe neighborhood where I will feel secure with my baby. After that, I can decorate like nobody’s business ans have enough love to fill any home. Will my family be physically and financially secure? Everything else as a wife and mother I can take care of, but those are my non negotiables. As a Supermom, we have to know what those are and stick to them, then fill in the rest.When we love our husbands and children with loving kindness that does not waiver, their happiness is sure, and when that ene ding love is reciprocated, so is ours.  Those really important non negotiables end up being the simplest of things. Saftey. Love. We worry ourselves about providing the right things for our children, but the truth is, as long as you are providing them with the non negotiables: love, safety, emotional security, kindness, education, and filling their sweet bellies they are doing great. Love them more than you think they need, and keep them safe. And you are doing Super. 😉

His smiles are like dripping sugar, there are fireworks of sparkle in his eyes. the smallest squeak of his voice lights up my heart like the fourth of july. my heart overflows with joy from singing made up songs, and breaks when any small health matter goes wrong. My world revolves around him each minute of the day, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. He lights my day with sunshine, and he makes my heart quake, there is no other love like a Mother’s heart can make.

Ear infection, acid reflux, off beat sleeping patterns, early teething, crying, crying, and more crying, it’s enough to bring the most patient Mama to the verge of tears….constantly. – And running to the Dr. My poor Baby boy has been through the ringer lately, and I have been feeling like anything but a Supermom when I am unable to bring him relief. But, I do what any Supermom would do… I rock him through the night, I sing to him till I am hoarse, I give him six thousand kisses a day, and I keep pushing through till I find a solution. His sweet smiles are worth the tears. The other night, I was pacing with him, singing to him, hushing to him, and I got him calm, and he put his little four month old hands on each side of my face to turn it toward his, and he gave me the sweetest kiss. this, my friends was my bliss. The purest joy I felt in this moment erased the frustrations I had built up. Supermoms, keep pushing through, they know how very much we love them. the many hours we spend pouring our love into them makes all the difference. Keep donning your sweet capes Supermoms, you are making a difference.

As I sit here in the darkness with Hudson curled up against my chest, listening to his gentle breathing, I think about how blessed I am to have him, and how disgraced I am to have lossed his sister 2 years ago.  How does one deal with those dueling feelings of overwhelming grace and mercy, and gut wrenching disgrace and loss?  Every day I treasure Hudson.  Every day I am overwhelmed by how fortunate I am to be cradling this perfect, beautiful baby in my arms.  And every day a piece of me is missing as I long for my sweet baby Josephine – his sister- she lived and died on the same day.  I am grateful for the chance we had to hold her, love her, kiss her,  But what happened to the lifetime of that we envisioned?  Because she passed away, I now fight the fear of loosing a lifetime of that with Hudson.  So, I sit here in the darkness so grateful for every breath and sigh I listen to him release and draw in.  And I miss my Josephine.  I feel so incredibly blessed, and so cheated.  Where is his big sister asking to hold baby? I’m not sure how to deal with these opposing emotions.  The fact that I am so incredibly blessed with Hudson, our miracle baby – and I am – does not invalidate my feelings of loss and feelings that God somehow withdrew His grace when Josie was born.  It feels as if with Josie He withdrew His grace, and with Hudson, He poured out an abundance of it.  Now, in my head, I know that is not true.  In my head, I know that just as God is ever-present in my life, so is His grace and love.  But in my heart, that is how it feels.  I will always have a void where Josephine should be.  It is not Hudson’s job to fill that void – he has a Hudson space all his own.  He is a special and unique individual.  As a Supermom, It is my job to let Hudson know about his sister, but make sure he never feels like he has to live up to a memory.  He is only 8 1/2 weeks old and he is already such an amazing kid.  I am so excited to continue to see him grow in to this amazing person.  I am blessed to be his Mom.  I guess I use my feelings of loss to increase the value I place on him.  i.e.  I never take him for granted, and do all that I can to see him succeed.  I see myself doing that now, It makes me a better Mother – instinctively.  That still does not answer the question of how to deal with the wrestling match of  feeling disgrace vs an abundance of grace,   but God and I will work that out in time.  That is the great thing about God – He is big enough to handle our questions when we are honest with Him, and He never withdraws His love.   I guess that is the bottom line, no matter what terrible tragedy, or amazing miracle is happening in our lives, it is not a measure of God’s love for us.  God’s love is steady and unchanging.  (He’s the ultimate Supermom)

Pa rt of being a Supermom, is being a great support and encouragement to Superdad.  In order for him to be the very best he can be, and in order for you to fulfill your duties as Supermom, which are to provide love, saftey, hope, encouragement, nourishment, to protect, lift up, to be the sheltering tree, the fertile soil, and the shining sun for your child all at once.  In order for you to fullfill these important duties for your child, you also have to be Dad’s partner, encourager, cheerleader, support to lean on, lover, friend, So that he can be the strong Man that you can in turn recieve all of these things from when you need them.  It is reciprocal.  you are his encourager so that he can be your encourager,   You are his cheerleader, and in turn he will cheer you on when you need it.  You are his support to lean on, and when you need to lean, he will be there.  You are his lover (this is a very important one for men ladies) and he is there to meet your needs too – be sure to voice what those needs are – he won’t awlays know.  And the marriage friendship, is the most intimate of all.  My husband is my very best friend, the way it should be.  We know it all, we’ve seen it all, we’ve been through it all, and we still love each other despite of, and especially because of it all.  When your man is down, when hes been kicked and he feels the dust settling in, it is your job, Supermom, to slip your hands under his arms, whisper in his ear, “I believe in you” and gently lift him up.  It is your job to tell him all of the reasons you believe in him, the reasons he can carry on,  cheer him, love him, and when he is celebrating, be his loudest cheerleader, singing his praises for all to hear.  When you do these things, you are firming the foundation of your relationship, you are showing your child what a healthy relationship looks like, and you are being a Supermom by providing a strong parental unit.  When your child sees Superdad, reciprocating, it will give him/her a sense of confidence and security that is vital.

Now, Supermom or Superdad, if your partner is not in the picture, you have double the load to carry.  That is a lot of strength to take upon yourself.  I respect you.  Your child is your priority.  You still need to find a place of encouragement.  Everyone needs that- whether for you, that means your family, friends, or your church family.

So, Supermom, Keep in mind that in addition to being your child’s sheltering tree, fertile soil, and shining sun, you also have that other strong and rugged tree growing and intertwining his branches with yours.  Grow together.  Let your fertile soil nourish him as well, and his strong trunk will provide you support as you shelter that precious seedling.

Do you know those expectant mother parking spots? Babies R Us has them, among other retailers.  Personally, I think every buisness should have them.  They saved my life during both of my pregnancies.  I was high risk, on bed rest, with sever nausea, so every step counted.  I know many other expectant Mommies that appreciate the importance of those spots in close proximity to their ultimate destination too.  Well, Last night, I was making one of my many trips to Babies R Us for baby supplies, and as I walked out, I saw a middle aged couple park their big ole truck in one of the expectant mothers parking spots, and then walk into the restaurant next door.  This infuriated me.   I hollered to them as they walked across the parking lot, “You’re not pregnant!”  With no response, so I tossed my baby supplies that I had just purchased in my car, and marched my butt over and into that restaurant, and up to their table.  I knowingly asked them,  “Hello, did you just park in the expectant Mother’s parking?”  In sync, they responded “NO” I asked “the truck?” in sync again they said “yes.” I firmly explained, “I just had a baby, and I know how important that expectant Mother parking is.  It’s important.”  Looking them in the eye.The woman fumbles over her words: “I’ve had children, I know” (I’m thinking, if you know, why would you take this space from a Mommy who needs it while she is growing a precious child??) The gentleman gets up out of his booth stating, “Well, I’ll move it.”  As I follow him out, to return to my car, I hear her mumbling to the waitress, “well, I don’t know what she’s talking about!!”

ANOTHER INJUSTICE AVERTED – SUPERMOMS UNITE!!

Sometimes being a Supermom means having the back of other Supermoms.  Sometimes it means standing up to Moms that aren’t so super.  When we see someone behaving not so super we can don our Super cape (mine is hot pink, how about yours?) and firmly but politely as possible intervene.  And hopefully, as last night ended up, we can make a small difference.  There is a waddling, glowing, nauseated Mommy out there who got her close parking spot, and a couple who probably spent part of their dinner talking about the crazy lady who hunted them down for being inconsiderate.

Last night I was at a wine tasting party (our first outing since baby Hudson was born) and we had a lovely time.  I was standing around talking with a group of ladies realizing the differences in all of us.  Each woman had a clearly different opinion regarding childbearing.  An opinion she has every right to have.  One woman has no desire whatsoever to have children – she dosen’t relate to them, dosen’t want them.  I too, did not want children until I met my soulmate – my husband, Ryan.  Then, I wanted to have HIS children.  Another woman wants them terribly, and is trying unsuccessfully to concieve, the third has a houseful of children, but stated “my husband and I didn’t like our kids till they were 3 0r 4 years old – were just not baby people.”  This, I could not imagine.  I know much of it is because our baby girl Josephine passed away, but I treasure every moment with Hudson.  Every nuzzle of his head against my cheek, every late night hushing him to sleep, every moment nourishing him with his bottle, even diaper changes.  I don’t mind getting peed on. pooped on, spit up on, because it means he is here, alive, in my arms.  Sure there are moments of heartache when I want to fix his belly ache, and I know he is hurting, but I don’t begrudge any of it.  Not one moment.  I love our conversations when he is brighteyed, (one sided though they may be) and looking into my eyes as if he understands everything I am saying.  I love our time together.  He is only 7 weeks old and already growing way to fast.  In our circle of conversation, one of the women reassured, “yeah, but they are only little for a little while, and then they are bigger and you get to hang out with them and have fun”  as if you have to put up with them while they are little.  This broke my heart.  They are missing out on the treasure of the preciousness of our little angels.  As I said everyone is entitled to their opinion, but they are really missing out.  even as an infant Hudson exudes so much love.  As mush love as I pour into him, he reciprocates, just by being my son.  My opinion:  being Mom, a SUPERMOM is the most important, rewarding, valuable, undervalued job that reaps the most benefits.  You see your dividends mature when your child becomes a kind, generous, loving, man/woman making an impact on the world around him/her by pouring into his/her family and community the way you poured into him/her from birth.  Everyone has their opinion, but in my opinion, (and I am right) I am holding a treasure.

Being a Supermom means having the courage to make difficult decisions.  This week I made the choice to go through with sterilization.  This is not a decision we came to lightly.  This is a decision that took a lot of courage to follow through with, and a lot of pain in recovery.  But, the big deciding factor was that I could not be the very best parent I could be to Hudson if I were to become pregnant again.  While pregnant with Hudson, I was on bed rest throughout the entire pregnancy. I had 3-4 doctor appointments per week.  I know that every pregnancy I have would be extremely high risk.  I can not remove myself from his life in that way.  I have only one choice:  To be fully and completely committed to parenting him every day of his precious life.  If we decide to expand our family further, there are plenty of beautiful children out there in need of our unending love.  We have decisions like this one to make throughout our children’s lives.  Important decisions that affect their lives, and our own.  Our lives are intertwined with our children’s forever.  What affects their life will always affect our own and vice versa.  We must always first take them into consideration when making all of our decisions.  This seems so basic, parenting 101.  But it warrants putting out there.  Being a Supermom is often learning as you go.  I feel like a fraud half the time.  But I do know this, I will always make all of my decisions with my son’s best interest in mind.  That is the heart of a Supermom.  Putting your child’s needs first.  Making your choices accordingly.  This I am sure of.

I have learned over the past couple of weeks, to ALWAYS, ALWAYS listen to my mommy instinct.  Allow me to fill you in… A couple of weeks ago we were visiting family and a special someone who loves our 1 month old son a great deal swore up and down she wasn’t sick…only allergies she said.  My mommy instinct told me that though she loves him, not to let her hold him, just to protect him from getting sick…I ignored it, let her love on him, and my sweet sweet son got an upper respitory infection.  Scenario 2:  While pregnant I did an immense amount of research on formulas, decided on one to feed my son, started him on it at the hospital after birth, and he did really well on it, never had any issues.  Through a program I could get another formula for free, saving us hundreds of dollars a month…my Dr told me all formulas are the same, family members encouraged me to try it, but my mommy instinct told me not to switch him.  I tried it.  This resulted in my poor baby having constipation, painful gas, and colic.  I quickly returned him to the original formula.  Mommy instinct is real.  It’s a gift God gives us.  I will never ignore it again.  People may become unhappy with me, but where my son’s best interest is concerned, they can get over it.  I will always follow my instinct from here on out.  We Supermoms will always have an inkling, an urge if our heart regarding our precious children.  It is that urge of our heart, this instinct that God gives us to best care for and love our precious ones.   With this Mommy Instinct, we will know when our child is in danger, when to remove them from a situation, from a particular person, or smaller but just as important issues such as what to feed him/her. You, my fellow Supermoms, know best.  Don that supercape, go forth with boldness and even in the face of adversity well up your courage and say, “thank you for your opinion, but I am his/her Supermom, and I know best!!!”